When there are no words

There never are "words" to express the sadness and grief that I feel every single day as long as I am breathing.  However, there are days that make even trying to express how those feelings can be overwhelming are difficult to find.  I find myself not finding words for those feelings more often than not, but there are even days like that when those words are even harder to explain than normal.
I would have to say over the last few months this has felt heavier than "normal" and also driven by many different things or events that have taken place.
Probably the biggest thing is this past year (2018) my baby boy would have turned 30 years old.  That's a big deal (well to me anyway).  It's hard enough to imagine him old enough to enlist into the USMC, but to think he would be 30 years old seems unreal.  I guess in "reality" it is unreal as he will forever be 22 years old.  I try to think of him in present time and wonder what he would be doing, where he would be living, etc.  I also think every single day what I would tell him that day.  I have a journal I write a lot of my conversations I would have with him, but some days I just can't bring myself to even write my thoughts down and that makes me feel sad.  To explain, if I try to write some days what I would tell him if he were here on this earth the sadness takes over and I am unable to complete my thoughts.  Those are the days I will either not write at all or just simply say, I love you or I miss you.
Yes, as odd as it may seem to most, I still go to the cemetery at least one day every single week if I am in town.  I don't feel the need to justify that any longer, but for anyone who might wonder why, it's simple.  If he were on this earth and close enough I would make an effort to see him at least once a week.  I would likely still talk to him every day when possible, but I would make an effort regardless how I feel or the weather to try and see him at least once a week.  I feel the least I can do is visit his resting place at least once a week.  That's not a lot of effort to do when I would do that if he were here.  It isn't always convenient and I have to really pick and choose depending on weather and what is going on with work, but I would do that if he were here too so for me it doesn't seem like a bother.  It is just a peaceful place for me at times and makes me feel like I'm still making him a priority. 
I do find that I don't cry constantly (outwardly) every day now.  I have gotten much better at hiding that for the most part.
Another significant thing that happened this past year is I lost my mom and my mother in law within just months of each other.  This made Christmas even more bitter for both Tebo and I as it was both our first Christmas without our moms. 
In addition, one of my dearest friends lost her only child (a son) at 22 years old as well to a tragic accident.  It's been heartbreaking watching her hurt as I have hurt the last 8 years and watching her go through this "FIRST" year of "FIRSTS".  It's so sad and honestly took me right back to December 2, 2010 as though it just happened that day. 
There is no way to explain or even understand which life events will impact me that way.  Sometimes it just feels like it hits out of the clear blue and sometimes I don't even notice it, but Tebo or other loved ones notice first.
Yes, I tend to withdraw when I feel overwhelmed so that is usually a tell tell sign to family and close friends.  Sometimes they will ask or comment and sometimes they don't.  There is no right or wrong way to handle that when you notice it, but I can't always promise I will respond or if I do that it would be appropriate.  I do know I am different and I know I will never have the "old" me back again and that's just going to have to be okay.
Another significant thing that has happened and continues to happen until the end of April is a huge system change at work that is impacting our entire company and starts with my group.  We have to have our data right first before it passes to the other departments.  It is stressful and scary.  I struggle with memory any way and learning things so different and new for me (especially these days) is very difficult and stressful.  There are those out there that get it and understand, but there are others that do not and don't realize that something this major brings so many feelings and emotions to surface that I wasn't necessarily prepared for.
We also lost a granddaughter this year at 6 months during the pregnancy and having to witness our daughter and son in law's hurt has been a whole different level of sadness and helplessness.  Trying to navigate our own feelings and still be sensitive and knowing what to do or say or what not to do or say to them has been a challenge.  I pray we have done an ok job, but I don't know if we have or not.  They may not even know if what we are or are not doing or saying is right.  We are all just navigating the best we can and as we go along.  I guess that's all anyone can do.
I do know one thing, the hole in my heart will never be repaired.  Nothing will ever replace him in my heart and while there will be room made for new loves, there will never be enough to replace or take away the hole that exits and always will. 
To those in my life that try or want to help, you really can't.  All you can do is just be there and love me despite where in my life I may be.  Doesn't mean you aren't helping, you are, it just means I don't know how to tell you what I need or how I feel. 
I pray anyone I come in contact with that I never make them feel badly for anything they do or do not do or say or don't say.  It would never be my intention.   If I go MIA for a period of time, it isn't because I don't want you around or love you, I do, I just need space at that moment.  It happens and my guess is it will continue for as long as the Lord keeps me on this earth.





Tis THE Season

Every year over the past 8 years, the Christmas season is hard.  This year is no exception.  How do you go on each day and want to celebrate when there is a huge hole in your heart?  If you are like me, you run away.  You go somewhere warm and reflect and just be quiet with yourself. 

This year is extra difficult due to the year we have had.  We both lost our moms this year, a granddaughter, and a dear friend’s son.  To call it a hard year would be a great understatement. 

We will be going to San Antonio, Texas this year for our “Christmas Trip”.  Between all the losses we experienced this past year on top of the eight years without Chad we are also going through a huge system change company-wide at work.   It’s been stressful at work as well as in our personal life.  We both need this trip away to find a way to recharge our minds and hearts to even begin to prepare ourselves for what January through May will be at work for both of us.

I struggle daily with facing this world with this huge hole in my heart, but you start adding all the other things that are out of our control and you have a recipe for disaster if you aren’t careful.  I feel like I’ve been trying to be very aware and careful with my heart and emotions, but I can honestly say I have failed far more than I have succeeded and especially this year.

It’s my hope that for not only me, but for Tebo that I’m able to find a way to decompress next week and lose myself in my thoughts and feelings so that maybe, just maybe, I can come back feeling refreshed enough to manage home and work and still finding ways/time to help with our parents.  The struggle is real people and unless you have lived it you may never truly understand what a struggle it really is.  Not only is it a struggle, but it is also very exhausting.  Not physically so much as emotionally.  I’m literally tired body, mind, and soul every day.

I’m more than grateful for the husband God blessed me with, because without him there is no way I can do what I do every day.  I don’t know how he puts up with me and my emotions, but he does and does it with grace.  He seems to know what to say and when to say and even more than that he knows when not to say anything and just wrap his arms around me.  That’s sometimes all I need, because nothing said or done is going to take away the pain. 

I don’t know what the future holds for my heart, but I do know I can always count on him to stand right beside me when I need him.  I hope I can be the same support to him with the hurt he must feel over losing his mom (and really only parent he had), but I’m fearful that I will never measure up to the support and unconditional love he has shown me.

So, if I seem distant, short, absent, or any other way than “normal” to you or anyone else, please know that it isn’t intentional, it’s me trying to find my way back from what was very likely a dark place.  I try very hard not to stay in the dark space, but if I were to be completely honest I do find my way there from time to time.  I don’t allow myself to stay there, but I do find my way there at times.   So please be patient with me as I continue to navigate this sadness and do my best to carry on with the hole in my heart. 

Christmas 2018

Senior Picture

In California

9-18-2009



Christmas in Mexico, Cruise trip

Christmas 2009

2006 after graduation from high school

Before Afghanistan

Mom & Son

Camp Pendleton

TEARS

I’ve heard many times in my life that crying cleanses the soul and sometimes it’s just good to cry.  I believe there might be some truth in that, but sometimes tears mean so much more than just “crying”.

For me personally, some of my tears are heart wrenching feelings that cannot be contained another moment.  They have to fall or I feel I will explode.

Granted, I prefer to have those tearful moments in private.  That doesn’t mean it always only happens in private, but that’s what I prefer. 

I attended a funeral this week and while he was 81 years old and ready for heaven it is still hard to see those close to him breakdown.  Beyond that, it’s amazing to me how the words of a song can bring those same heart wrenching tears to flow.  That’s what happened to me this week. 

Now, if you know me at all, you know I have a soft heart and I can literally cry at commercials and do, often.  However, unless you truly and deeply know me you may not know that many times than not my tears are more of the heart wrenching kind. 

So many everyday things take me right back to losing my son.  I am only 15 days away from the 8^th anniversary of the day my son left this earth.  I won’t lie, it feels like yesterday!  It always feels as raw as that day on 12-1-10.  I don’t believe that will ever change, for me anyway.  That’s fine.  As I’ve said more than once, I never want it to get easy to miss my son.  He was my heart and soul and I miss him with every breath I take and I will until have taken that last breath.

It’s an odd feeling I get every time I hear of the passing of someone/anyone and writing it and someone else reading it may sound very strange and if you have never lost a child you may not be able to understand, but I actually find myself feeling jealous that they will get to see my baby boy before I do.  You don’t have to say it, I know it sounds crazy, but that is exactly how I feel… 

I know one day I will be reunited with him, but honestly, one day isn’t good enough for me.  I want to see his face now. 

If only heaven wasn’t so far away…

Grief

When does grief every complete it’s coarse, or does it?  I’m less than 4 weeks before it will be 8 years and I honestly do not feel like I’ve come very far.  I still feel so empty in my heart and soul.  While I know he was on loan from God and I was blessed to have 22 years with him, but I wasn’t ready for my time with him to end and I’m still not.  I don’t question why, I just miss him. 

I’m so fortunate to have the husband I do and the family and friends surrounding me, but you know, sometimes I just need my little man.  I can’t explain the kind of pain I feel in my heart on a regular basis.  It literally feels like what I would imagine a heart attack to feel like.  It is true pain at times.  I wouldn’t fight if God allowed me to have a heart attack if it would get me to heaven sooner to see him. 

Each year I think, okay, this is the year I will be able to just be home at Christmas and spend it with family and then I hit October and I’m like, nope, it can’t be this year.  I’m not there yet.  I don’t know if I will ever be there.  I struggle with whether I need to just suck it up and move forward, but honestly, it’s like my heart aches so badly that I can’t bear the thought of “celebrating” or even being home during that time.

December and May are obviously my hardest months, but there are very few days in my life now that my heart doesn’t ache like this.  Every moment I am breathing I am missing such a huge part of my heart and soul, but I’ve managed most times to push all that down deep and function and then there are times when all I want to do is cry and be alone in the quiet. 

I do not believe grief ever ends.  I think it changes, but I believe, for me anyway, that grief will always be a part of my everyday life until the Lord decides he is ready for me. 

What I do want to make sure I’m not doing is letting others see my grief daily and make sure that when they see me grief isn’t the first thing they see.  I don’t know how well I do this or if I do it at all, but I do feel I try daily. 

If only we could go to heaven for visits. 

Sisters...

I’ve written about sisters before, but my heart is heavy right now and I felt the need to get my feelings out and written down so hopefully I can move forward with whatever that might be. 

If you do not have sisters you will not understand this blog, but if you do, I’m sure you can relate if not already, eventually.

Sisters are complicated.  Let me explain.  They are your first best friend(s), but as best friends go there are always dynamics that impact that relationship.  I love all my sisters and we all each have our own individual “type” of relationship with each other.  There are times when some don’t speak and other times we can’t get enough of each other.

I miss my sisters especially when things seem to be strained or just not as it had been.  If you add other dynamics like “Life” it can feel like it adds additional strain on an already strained relationship.  That’s when I miss my sisters the most.  My love for them hasn’t changed, but the closeness isn’t there (at least for me) and I miss that more than words could possibly explain.

We always find our way back to each other and pick right up where we left off, but until that time comes and things are cleared it can be very hard and honestly extremely lonely. 

Maybe I rely on my relationships with my sisters too much and maybe that’s why it hurts as much as it does and sometimes I don’t know how to correct the situation or how/when to take the first step to improving. 

We all have other hard things going on in our lives and we don’t always see past our hard stuff to see or understand their hard stuff and I’m as guilty as any for that, but it doesn’t make the feeling of distance feel any better quite the opposite.

So, when I say complicated, these relationships are just that at times (again, speaking for myself), but when they are good it’s the most amazing relationship/friendship in the world.

I’m in a very lonely place right now in my relationships with my sisters and not for any one thing or person, just in general.  My problem is, I don’t know how to get out of it and not to have a pity party, but it doesn’t seem I can do or say anything right lately and that makes me knowing what to do next even harder.  I own that and I will have to figure out how to either fix it or learn to live with it.   I certainly hope and pray that there is a fix and not a new normal for the rest of our lives.  That breaks my heart thinking of that as an option. 

RED

October 10, 1996 reshaped our family in a way we never thought would happen nor did we expect it.  Our sweet little "RED" on the head Jessica (aka KiKi) went to be with the Lord after a courageous 5 week fight with brain cancer. 
We talk about courage a lot when it comes to certain professions or heroic efforts, but when I think of courage I think about an 8 year old little girl who always had a smile on her face fight so hard and never complain.  That is courageous and inspiring to me.  She didn't even realize at her sweet young age just how much she impacted those around her and the lasting impact she would continue to have long after she joined Jesus in heaven.
1996 was a very difficult year to say the very least for our family.  In February we lost our sister to a very rare infection.  She was only 17 years old.  Then around August our mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a mastectomy.  It was during her recovery that Jessica was diagnosed (Labor Day weekend to be exact).  Not only was Jessica a trooper through all of that, but so was mom.  Mom showed not only courage during this time, but also how selfless she was to put herself, her health, and her pain aside to be there not only for Jessica, but for my sister as well. 
Our family would soon learn the hard way that life is far to short and that every day is a blessing.  I'm so grateful that my sister had another daughter that she could just drown herself in and while Jorden would never take the place of Jessica or lessen that pain of losing your child, it did give her purpose to put her feet on the ground and face the world every day.  Oh, that means she had the courage to keep going. 


Speaking from experience, that is the true definition of courage. 


You are always in our hearts Jessi Bo and missed every day, but we know you finally caught that moon and you get to see the bald headed trees from Heaven's view every Fall.

Just a few of some of my favorite pictures/memories of this sweet little RED!



Heartache in many forms

There are so many different heartaches and they are different for everyone.  I have to admit that with all the heartaches I've experienced myself none have been worse nor will any other compare to the loss of my child, but that doesn't minimize others' heartaches.
I have a sweet friend that is going through a heartache of her own within her marriage and they may or may not make it, but it certainly is a painful process until a decision is made and my heart aches for her.  To add to the heartache she is losing her grandfather.  He is in hospice now and while he has lived a wonder 93 years it is never easy to let go even when you know it's best for them.
Today regardless what your heartache is try to find someone who you trust and lean on them.  You might not even need to say a word, just sit and listen and be still. 
I'm reminded that I'm not the only person hurting and living with my own heartache.  We all have a form of that and it is very real for each of us.
We are living with aging and declining parents and that in itself is a heartache.  Our children may be facing struggles or going through a journey that we know will make them better in the long run, but it is a heartache to watch them go through it.
I have another very close friend that is going through her own heartache with watching her husband suffer from terrible burns and the healing process.  Knowing there is very little to nothing we can do to help those we love who are hurting it very much a heartache.
Whatever your heartache is try to still find empathy for those around you as you may not be aware of their heartache and you may have to put yours on the back burner to do so, but you can do it. You never know how it may bless you and soften your heartache even for a brief moment.


My thoughts and prayers are with all those heartaches out there and hoping you find that person that can be your source of strength and comfort.