Twelve Years

This year marked the twelth Easter without you on this earth. That is half of your lifetime. That seems so hard to fatham, but it's true. I always feel a sadness and emptiness in my heart missing you, but certain times of the year the emptiness rings louder than others. I know that sounds a little crazy, but it's the best way I know how to describe it. It was quiet for the most part for us this Easter. I stayed home the entire day (my choice) and tried to reorganize your room/office by moving things and stacking things around towards the wall and cleaned house. Then aunt Stacy, uncle Leckey, Peanut, Scooter and Peanut's new boyfriend, Zane, came over to visit and then Kristin Allen came over to have dinner with us. After everyone left Tebo and I sat in living room in the quiet and didn't even really watch TV, just sat and were quiet. I then took my shower so it wouldn't wear me out today and we went to bed. It was uneventful and I think that's kind of what I needed this year for sure. Between not feeling well and just getting in the house, it's just been a lot. Oh, Chad, if heaven had visiting hours... I would have spent the entire day with you, Jessica, BoBo and Granny. I would have had Grandmother come over and just visit with us too and I would have to invite Granddaddy, because he would have already been by BoBo's side. I miss you son. More than my little words could ever describe. I do have one little request. Poor little Cohen is having such a tough time with his little ears lately and if he doesn't get some relief they are going to have to put tubes in his ears. Would you mind just asking Jesus to touch his little ears and heal them so he won't have to have surgery, but if surgery is in his plans for Cohen, please ask him to keep his arms around him and Jorden. Jorden has done an amazing job with him, but she is tired and has had to miss a lot of work and that is stressful in it's own right. I know if you were here you would be right there to hlep her, but you will be a huge help by asking him personally to reach down and touch this precious little human. I love you son and just know you are missed and loved so much. Love, momma bear.

No answers

I know I am not the only person that has had an illness and has gone to doctor after doctor or worse, tried to get into doctors or specialist to only get delayed, and get no answers. I'm there now. I've been very dizzy when I stand, weak, fatigued, if I bend over I get a very sharp headache that sometimes eases when I stand and sometimes I end up having to take medication for it to ease. If I raise my arms above my head to do something they feel like they weigh 50 Lbs. each and I am so winded and my heart feels like it is beating very fast. I know this is not normal for me, but I can't seem to find anyone that will take all of this seriously and I am beyond frustrated. I am feeling defeated. Thank God I have a husband who is my rock. Literally! I feel guilty and like I am letting him down by not being able to do for myself and do the things around the house like I normally do. Oh, and to top all this off, the house that we have been having built for the last YEAR is due to be finished at the end of this month and I'm struggling to even pack one box. I'm sad and mad about all of this at the same time. I do not want to sit in a chair and watch my husband and family handle this entire move and me do nothing. That breaks my heart and makes me feel worthless. However, I have no choice at this time unless they can figure this out within the next 14 days. I can't even travel to NC to be with my sister and brother in love for his daddy's funeral service, because I can't freaking travel. Imagine how that feels. I absolutely hate it. I'm working, but I'm working from home. However, work makes me feel very guilty and there is a ton of pressure for not being in the office even though I can do my job from anywhere. It's just the culture of our company. Not saying it's right, it just is what it is. It's sad to have it be that way when they preach about taking care of their team members (all the time), but that's just how they roll. To give a small example of how this is impacting mine and Tebo's life right now. If I take a shower in the morning I can wash my body, but then I have to sit to wash my hair. Once I get out I have to go sit for a bit before I can do my make up or get dressed. I am winded, dizzy, and very weak. Once that settles I sit to do my make up. I sit for a bit and then I make my way back to the bathroom and re-wet my hair and sit to dry it. Then I sit for a bit and then make my way back to get dressed. I then sit a bit again and make my way back to pull the covers up to make the bed. I haven't put the throw pillows on the bed in over a month (that is NOT me). Once I've done all that I definitely have to sit as I am winded, dizzy, off balance, heart beating fast, and exhausted. It can take an hour or longer before I can consider getting up to do anything more. During the week while I'm sitting in between all these steps I'm working. It is the most frustrating thing to deal with (for me anyway). I've always been active and pride myself in how quickly I can get things done and multi-tasking. Well, for the near term, those days are over for me right now. That makes me sad and mad. I'm praying a doctor, any doctor finds answers sooner than later so we can address it and we can get me back on track and we can begin living our lives again. Tebo keeps saying he wants his wife back and I want to be back for him. I'm working hard on my own to get back, but it is obvious that this is not going to be something I can do on my own as much as I wish I could. Please pray for me, Tebo, and especially these doctors for guidance and answers. Please and thank you.

When you feel you are completely out of control of your own life

I've never been one to share publicly that I struggle with anxiety and have for as long as I can remember. There are a couple of sisters and my best friend and of course my husband that are aware, but that's it. I do believe since the passing of Chad the anxiety has become much worse and I know I've become far more anti-social, but I've always been very much a home-body since a kid. Since October, more specifically October 4th, things have just piled up and been boiling and building up to a scary point. There were very significant things that took place on October 4, 2021. First, it was my first day back in the office in almost 2 years. We had to wear masks (still are) at our desk and all day at work. We had to enter one door, do temperature checks, and exit a different desk, no conference rooms so Zoom calls for all meetings while sitting at our desks and no gathering in the halls or at each other desks. So again, why be at the office? Oh, and only 2 people per elevator at a time. SMH To add to this lovely Oct. 4th day, that evening about 15 minutes after Tebo and I came inside after visiting with our neighbor and it had just gotten dark outside there was a knock on the patio door. I opened the door thinking it was the neighbor we were just visiting with, but I couldn't have been more wrong. It was a man we had never seen before with two other men we had just seen walking back and forth through the courtyard while we were visiting with our next door neighbor and who were obviously intoxicated and the man's wife with her dog (who repeatedly did not have her large dog on a leash in the courtyard and it charged at Tebo growling mulitiple times). The man was in my face screaming with his finger in my face screaming obsenities. Tebo immediately jumped to his feet and was in the doorway before I knew it. He had a beer in his hand (he too had a lot of liquid courage) and was swinging at Tebo with noodle arms. Tebo gained control of his arms and crushed the beer can and threw it to the ground and the man tried to get Tebo in a head lock, but Tebo gained control of his other arm and bull nosed him off the patio and the group finally retreated. Tebo had a small cut on his forehead, but enough that he was bledding. Shewwwww, what a first day to return to the office. Then during the same month, we learned from our builder that not only would our house not be ready in Nov. or Dec., but it now won't be ready in January, but he hoped (hoped) to have us wrapped up by the end of March. End of March! WTH! I was so defeated at this point. With the drama of the incident at the apartment and the lack of care the management showed to us and the lack of security and the fact that we will now be in this apartment for a full year I was just so disappointed. Then I can't complain because every time I do I seem to get shot down or made to feel I needed to expect delays so I will just keep my opinions to myself and I will keep my frustrations on the noisey upstair neighbors and the slackness (if that's even a word) of the management of the apartments to myself as well. None of it is even worth it anymore to me. I will just buy my time until we can get in the house at this point. Suddenly over last weekend I finally realized why all this is getting to me so much. We were initially expected to be in the house prior to Luke arriving which would have given me time to get settled and mentally and emotionally ready for him, but to also get myself in a routine prior. Then that would give me time to get mentally and emotionally prepared for May to arrive and prepare myself for what would have been Chad's 34th birthday which always falls on Memorial Day weekend. That's a very hard time of year almost more than December 1st. However, it is hard for most people to understand that. The response I've gotten from most people is, well, let's be real, you are always unpacked in a weekend so you will have plenty of time. Okay, here is the issue with that comment. It is not about being unpacked. I never said it was about being unpacked. It is about feeling settled and getting a routine and getting emotionally and mentally ready first for Luke's arrival and then for May to hit. Well, obviously we will not be in before Luke arrives and there is no way with Luke here March 11th and loving on him and the change that brings that I will even be close to prepared for May to be here and it being the 12th birthday that Chad has not been on this earth. But you know, it is what it is and if I'm surrounded by those that don't and can't get it I will just add this to those things that I can't control and will have to push down deep inside so that no one is uncomfortable and don't have to worry about my feeilngs. I just go through times off and on during life that I have absolutely no control of my life and since October for this wave of that I am in that space of no control. It sucks, because I am very much about being in control of my life and feelings and when I am not, my anxiety is off the charts and trust me, right now and since Oct. it has been. I'm trying a new medicine to see if that at least helps me sleep better to see if that helps some, but so far I'm not seeing huge gains there yet, but I'm trying to be patient with that. My hope and prayer would be that some compassionate and as much understanding as possible could come from those that have responses like I've been receiving, but honestly, unless they had to walk in my shoes (which I would never want) they really wouldn't be able to comprehend. Or, maybe they do or can, but they are just much stronger than I am and that too is very possible. Maybe I am just so broken that I'm not near as strong as I believed myself to be. Hmmmm... Who knows. All I know is the way I feel now, sucks big time. I know it will eventually ease until the next trigger and I will find a way to navigate through that one just as I have the last eleven years.

Like a Wave

Some days are managable, but there are some days that it is almost impossible to manage. Missing you is always right there, always. However, there are those days that the sadness washes over me like a wave. Today seems to be that kind of day. This is the first time that I have noticed that I felt this wave building. I know, it sounds odd or maybe needs more explaining. This is the best way I can describe it. Over the last couple of weeks I have just been off. At first I just brushed it off to just not feeling my absolute best with my health. I didn't know what it was, but I also was not sleeping. I went three nights in a row where I could not sleep. One night I did dose off and on for a total of 3 hours, but outside that I could not sleep. I felt like I was walking each day in a fog. I was just going through the motions of my day. I did my work, I took care of the house and Tebo. I checked on family memebers and friends just as I normally would do. However, in my heart and mind, I was just going through the motions and putting one foot in front of the other, but I was also a bit withdrawn. You might wonder how I could be withdrawn, but still going about my normal daily routines. You might be surprised just how easy that is. Obviously with my husband it did not go unnoticed. When he would ask me what was wrong or what I was thinking about, I just didn't answer and looked down. Thankfully he knows me well enough to know that when I am super quiet, I am working through something. It truly doesn't matter if it is a fallen hero or a friend that has lost a child, I immediately go to you in my heart and mind and immediately feel immense sadness that flows over me. However, on the contrary, when someone asks me to use your name to name their child, especially when it is their first child and even more impactful, when your precious niece, Jorden, asked permission to use your name I am overcome with pride and appreciation. Let me explain what I mean by that. To have anyone want to name their child, especially their first child, after you it means (to me) that you were respected, loved, appreciated, and cherished in a way that can only impact me with such pride and gives me a little piece of you, in some ways, continues on within these babies. It's hard to put into words just how much that means to me and how happy it makes my heart that they love you enough to do that. So just to elaborate a bit on Jorden's little baby boy. She has named him Cohen Wade Taylor. She was the most respectful when she called (Face Time) me to ask if it was ok to use your name for her sweet baby boy. First, that precious girl could ask me anything and there is a good chance I will always tell her yes. Yes, I could be a little bias, but as her Ammy, it's my preogative to do so. She loved you so much that I know there is a void in her heart much like the void she feels with Jessica. You were good to her and you loved her and obviously she feels the same about you enough to name her first born after you. Also, the fact that Caleb is having his first child, a boy, and he didn't hesitate to agree with using your name tells me a lot about him. I haven't met him in person yet, but I feel like I know him through Jorden, your aunt Paige, and your uncle Rodney and that is good enough for me. Chad, you would be so proud of Jorden. Not only has she moved to SC to a great job all on her own, but she bought her first home, on her own (she did include Caleb) and now expecting her first baby, but she has done all of this with such grace. In the midst of just buying her first home and with COVID front and center, she stopped what she was doing and flew into AR to be here when BoBo passed so she could be a source of support for your aunt Paige and I have to believe for me too. She was wonderful and yes, gorgeous. I got to touch and love on her baby bump (which is totally precious by the way) and just enjoy her precense. It was wonderful to say the very least.

"Heaven Help Me"

One of my dearest friends, who sadly is walking this terrible journey like me for the last 3 years, shared this song with me today. If you wuold like to know my true feelings, (much like hers and most parents who have lost a child)I encourage you to take a minute and listen to Zach Williams' song, "Heaven Help Me". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CH5QaYzinI

Frustration Mounting

My frustrations on the build of our house is mounting to an epic level. First our completion date was going to be November. I felt from the start that we would not hit that timing. Then it was moved to December, which is where I felt we would land. Then suddenly it was moved to January. Okay, fine, We will live with that. Then before we even get to January he moved it to we hope to have you wrapped up by end of March. What!? End of March? Then he comes back with, oh January is doable, but I wanted to give worse case scenario. Well, here we are on January 31st and guess what! We still have no paint, no counter tops, no master bath tile, no slider door, no front door, no flooring, no septic tank, no propane tank, no electric or plumbing pulled in the house and missing a window. We locked in a 30 day rate and trying to give notice to the apartments and I can't get an answer from the builder and I sent him a message at 7:45 am today. I'm so over it all that I could scream, but if I verbalize my feelings and frustrations I get shot down and told to stop stressing over it and to just stop letting it get to me. So, I guess this is where I will have to let my frustration and anxiety out so I don't bother anyone else with my own feelings about this process. Just one more thing I will continue to bury down deep inside so not to burden anyone else.

What the heck is my issue lately?

I found myself lately just not liking anyone. I feel aggitated by most people I run into. I don't even know most of these people and they just irritate me or rub me the wrong way. That is just not my personality. I'm super sensitve regardless what is said or by whom. There isn't just one thing, it's everything. I don't feel like I can say anything right. If it's okay for one person to complain or vent, it's not okay for me to do that. Some examples of what I am very well aware is very pety feelings. One, I've been growing more and more frustrated with our builder and the excuses we have been getting regarding the delays of our house. It's not that I/we didn't expect delays. We did. My issue is the lack of communication and then when we do get communication, there are inconsistencies in that communication, but when I vent or try to just voice my opinion or frustrations about it (knowing this is my perception) I feel like my feelings are minimized or dismissed as either overreactions or I need to get over it even if those aren't the exact words being used. That's just adding to the already frustrating feelings I'm experiencing. Also, this apartment living is for the birds, no surprise there, but Sunday night (all night) the upstairs neighbor apparently did not sleep all night. Instead he/they were up all night stomping across the floor and dragging a chair/stool across the floor. Did I mention it was all night long. What does that mean? I got zero rest. I was up and down all night due to this wonder NON-WHITE NOISE sound! So on Monday morning that was supposed to be a Holiday even though we were working from home I was up 5 am so I got up and got ready for work and as I was fixing my breakfast I simply asked Tebo if he heard those yahoos upstairs and the response was, "yes, I heart them. Just let it go Louie, let it go". Well, okay then. I will let it go. So, here is my moto from this point forward and this time I will be sticking to it going forward. I will NOT complain about this apartment or the upstairs neighbors. I will not mention the house or the progress or lack there of! I'm done with any opinion on anything at this point. I will wait and if I feel impatient or frustrated I will vent right here. That's it! Nothing more or less will come out of my mouth unless it is positive and excitement.